I Miss You MAA…!!!

29th of June__ may or may not be an ordinary day for many but for me certainly not an ordinary day. Eight years back, the day ushered in what we call a moment that changes everything. A moment that turns your world upside down & transforms your outlook about life & death. Not to mention the fact that all this happens so suddenly that for a moment you feel you have been abandoned right in the middle of a vast desert & you have no idea of directions nor the ability to alter the situation. The scariest part is that, the aftershocks of aforementioned moment of reckoning never stop haunting you. They stay within you for the rest of your life, keep getting a new lease of life when you least expect it & keep jolting your soul after permanently claiming a part of it.

Losing your loved one, who was your strength your shelter, unexpectedly, it is like what i mentioned above & far more than that. I lost my mother (actually my maternal grandmother,she raised me) at 29th June 2005. Till that moment of ___ (still can’t name it) I hadn’t realized that how much i was dependent on her, and no, not for material things. My dependence on her was much more than what words could describe. She was a friend, a confidant & a mother. She was my mother’s mother, so she used to say; “my love is twofold”. She lied, it wasn’t, her love was infinite. She taught me how to value life & then how to live it worthily. Today, If I say that whatever good & goodness I possess is defined & refined by her, it won’t be an exaggeration but an honest acknowledgement.

What makes her different in my eyes is that she wasn’t conventional_ her thoughts made her unconventional. Apparently she would look like an uncharacteristically beautiful woman of middle age with a halo of grace & sophistication. Her apparent beauty was only rivaled by the beauty of her own heart & soul. She was generous, had a sense of humour that would make you smile for a long time, the heart to love & give unconditionally & a demeanour that was a strange mix of steely nerves & calm presence. The first lesson of tolerance, compassion & forgiveness came from her, not in the form of words but via actions. At a very young age, when you’re told & made to believe that nothing is perfect yet all diversities are respectable, you become a tolerant, humble & friendlier person later in life. I’m proud of her for giving me this & it is something we need in today’s Pakistan.

Despite her love & respect towards God, she wasn’t overtly religious or I should say she wasn’t the one who would put all energies on a good display but no attention towards substance or pith of all rituals. She used to say,” if your love and devotion is for Him, show it to Him, don’t force it on others, don’t demand it from others unless you know you achieved perfection.” This was one side of her, the other side was a carefree & jovial lady who would love to enjoy trivial to meaningful wonders of life. From testing new eateries & delis to arranging girls time with me she was a friend I’ve been searching in all & failing miserably. It’s not like that I’m not blessed with wonderful friends, it’s about the magnitude of the void that she left behind & it’s huge to be filled by anyone.

Albeit, I know “people come & go” is the rule no one can escape. I know letting it go is the most important survival technique. So in a way, I’ve moved on yet I feel something in me is still trapped there when she she left this transitory world right in my arms. As taught by her that “be strong but don’t forget to smile & celebrate.” So I’ve learnt to live without she been around me, I’ve learnt to laugh & enjoy without seeing her beautiful face for eight years. Her last days to the last moment, I was with her ( not going there more than this). In those days i realized, It’s the people who matter. Love & expressing it is the biggest reality of life. I had my time & I told her many times that “I Love You” & expressed it through actions. I might have fallen short of her expectations but still I expressed what i felt for her. Look around, dear reader, have you done that with the people/person you love? Do it & do it frequently…..no second chance here..!!